Who Actually Pushes the Buttons When You’re Gone?

Why your “techy cousin” is not automatically the right choice

It’s tempting to think, “My nephew builds PCs, he’ll figure it out.” That’s how Daniel, 48, approached it. He scribbled a note: “Ethan handles all my online stuff,” and thought he was done.

When Daniel died suddenly, Ethan discovered what “all my online stuff” actually meant: three brokerage apps, a Bitcoin wallet, a Stripe account linked to a side business, five email addresses, and a mess of two-factor authentication codes going to a phone line that had already been shut off.

Ethan was great with gadgets. He was not great with:

• Legal paperwork
• Talking to customer support for hours
• Coordinating with the main executor and the probate attorney

So instead of a smooth handoff, the family had months of delays, a nearly lost crypto balance, and a lot of finger‑pointing.

Being “good with tech” helps, but the job is actually part detective, part project manager, part negotiator. When you appoint a digital executor, you’re really asking: Who can calmly untangle my online life, follow instructions, and work with lawyers and platforms without losing their mind?

What does a digital executor really do all day?

Not every jurisdiction formally recognizes a “digital executor” as a separate legal role. In many U.S. states, your primary executor handles everything, including digital assets, unless your will or state law says otherwise. But in practice, people often:

• Name one main executor for the estate
• Give specific authority and guidance to a “digital person” in the will or a separate digital asset memorandum

That “digital person” might:

• Access or help access online financial accounts
• Download and preserve photos, videos, and documents
• Close or memorialize social media accounts
• Cancel online subscriptions and services
• Deal with domain names, websites, and online businesses
• Work with the main executor to value and transfer digital assets

The legal backbone usually comes from state laws on “fiduciary access to digital assets.” Many states in the U.S. have adopted versions of the Revised Uniform Fiduciary Access to Digital Assets Act (RUFADAA), which spells out what an executor or agent can and can’t do with your accounts.

You can read more about that framework here:

• National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws overview of RUFADAA: https://www.uniformlaws.org/committees/community-home?CommunityKey=2c04b76c-2b7d-4399-977e-d5876ba7e034

The short version: your instructions matter, and so do the platform’s own tools.

When the platform decides: built‑in legacy tools you shouldn’t ignore

Some companies let you choose what happens to your account long before any executor gets involved.

Take Maya, 35, who actually read the settings on her accounts (yes, that one friend). She:

• Set up Google’s Inactive Account Manager to email her brother if her account went unused for a set period, giving him access to certain data and auto‑deleting the rest.
• Chose a Facebook Legacy Contact so her best friend could manage memorial posts but not read private messages.
• Left instructions in her will that her digital executor should follow those platform settings and coordinate with the main executor.

When Maya died in a car accident, her digital executor didn’t need to hack anything or beg customer support. The platforms already knew who to talk to and what to do. Her brother got access to photos and documents; private chats stayed private.

For reference:

• Google Inactive Account Manager: https://support.google.com/accounts/answer/3036546
• Meta (Facebook) memorialization and legacy contact policy: https://www.facebook.com/help/1506822589577997

If you’re appointing a digital executor, it actually helps to:

• Turn on these legacy or inactive account tools
• Make sure the people you name there match (or at least don’t conflict with) the people you name in your will

Because when your will says one thing and your account settings say another, platforms often follow their rules first.

The photographer who almost lost her life’s work

Imagine building your career around digital files and then having them vanish in a billing glitch.

That was almost Sophie’s story. She was a wedding photographer with:

• Terabytes of client photos in cloud storage
• Contracts and invoices in an online CRM
• A portfolio website tied to a domain name in her personal registrar account

She died of an aggressive illness at 39. Her husband, Mark, was the main executor. He knew nothing about DNS records, storage tiers, or auto‑renewal.

Sophie had done one smart thing: she named her long‑time studio manager, Carla, as the person responsible for “all business‑related digital assets” in a separate memo referenced by her will. The memo wasn’t just a list of passwords (which would have been a security nightmare while she was alive). Instead, it:

• Listed which accounts existed and what they were for
• Named where backup access codes were stored (in a locked safe the attorney knew about)
• Gave Carla permission to work with Mark and the estate attorney to transfer or close accounts

When Sophie died, renewals were coming due. Cloud storage bills, domain fees, the works. Carla stepped in fast. She logged in using the documented process, exported client galleries, and coordinated with Mark to:

• Preserve client photos
• Shut down inactive tools
• Transfer the website and brand assets to the estate

Without that clear appointment and memo, years of work and irreplaceable client memories could have been lost.

The takeaway? If your income or reputation depends on digital platforms, your digital executor isn’t just doing cleanup. They’re protecting real assets with real dollar values.

The crypto problem no one wants to talk about

Crypto is where “I’ll just let my executor figure it out” goes to die.

Take Omar, who had a mix of:

• Bitcoin in a hardware wallet
• Ether in a self‑custody software wallet
• Some smaller coins on a centralized exchange

He was careful about security, maybe too careful. No one knew his recovery phrases. His will mentioned “cryptocurrency holdings” in one vague sentence. That was it.

When he died, his sister, the named executor, found:

• A hardware wallet in a desk drawer
• A sticky note that said “seed phrase in safe place” (which, of course, was not labeled)

Lawyers could help with the exchange accounts, because those are more like traditional financial accounts. But the self‑custody wallets? No keys, no coins.

Contrast that with Lena, who also held crypto but approached it differently. Her estate plan:

• Named a digital executor with specific authority over “cryptocurrency and other blockchain‑based assets”
• Used a documented key‑sharing or recovery approach reviewed with her attorney (for example, splitting knowledge between a safe deposit box and a trusted person, with instructions only usable after her death)
• Clearly separated who gets the value (her beneficiaries) from who handles the mechanics (her digital executor)

When she died, the digital executor didn’t guess. They followed a written, legally blessed process to:

• Recover keys
• Consolidate assets
• Coordinate with the main executor to distribute value

If you hold crypto, NFTs, or anything else that lives or dies with a private key, appointing a digital executor without a clear access strategy is basically theater. It looks responsible but doesn’t actually solve the problem.

When your online mess becomes a family argument

Not all digital drama is about money. Sometimes it’s about memories, and that can get even more emotional.

Consider Alex, 29, who was very online. He had:

• A public TikTok with a big following
• A private Instagram full of old relationship photos
• Shared cloud albums with friends and exes

He died unexpectedly. His parents wanted to shut everything down. His close friends wanted to keep his presence alive online. His ex‑partner was horrified at the idea of private photos resurfacing or being shared.

Alex’s will was silent on digital assets. The executor, his father, had legal authority but no idea what Alex would have wanted. Every decision — delete, memorialize, download, share — felt like a moral minefield.

Now compare that to how Jordan handled it. Jordan named a digital executor, his best friend, and gave clear instructions:

• Public accounts could be memorialized but not actively managed
• Private accounts should be closed after photos were archived for specific people
• No one was to be given access to private messages

The will didn’t list every account. Instead, it gave principles and trusted one person to apply them. When Jordan died, there were still hard choices, but there was far less guesswork and far fewer arguments.

If you know your online life is… let’s say “colorful,” a digital executor can act as a buffer between your grieving family and the raw, unfiltered version of your history.

How to actually choose the right digital executor

So who gets the job? The answer is rarely “whoever is oldest” or “whoever is best with Instagram filters.” It usually comes down to a mix of traits.

You’re looking for someone who is:

• Comfortable with technology, but not necessarily a programmer
• Organized enough to follow a checklist and keep records
• Willing to talk to lawyers, platforms, and sometimes courts
• Emotionally steady enough to make decisions when others are overwhelmed
• Trustworthy with sensitive information (because yes, they may see things you never discussed)

Sometimes that’s the same person as your main executor. Sometimes it’s not. In many U.S. estates, people:

• Name the main executor in the will
• Add a clause granting that executor authority over digital assets and/or naming a specific person to assist or act in that role
• Attach or reference a separate digital asset memorandum that can be updated more easily than the will itself

If you’re in the U.S., it’s worth checking:

• Whether your state has adopted RUFADAA or a similar law
• How your state treats digital assets in probate

A good starting point is your state court or bar association website. Many publish consumer guides on wills and digital assets. For example, the New York Courts system provides general estate planning resources here:

• https://ww2.nycourts.gov/courthelp/estate/planning.shtml

Talk to an estate planning attorney about whether your state allows you to:

• Name a separate digital executor formally
• Or simply give your main executor explicit digital authority and name a helper in your memo

The boring part that saves everyone: documentation

Appointing a digital executor without giving them a map is like naming a driver and handing them a car with no keys, no gas, and no idea where the roads are.

You don’t need a live spreadsheet of passwords (and you probably shouldn’t keep one lying around without serious security). But you do need:

• A categorized list of important digital assets (financial, creative, business, social, storage)
• A description of where and how access credentials are stored (password manager, physical safe, attorney’s office, etc.)
• Clear instructions about what should be deleted, preserved, or shared
• A note about any platform‑specific tools you’ve already turned on (like Google’s Inactive Account Manager)

This information often lives in a separate memo or letter of instruction referenced by the will. That way, you can update it when you:

• Change banks or brokers
• Move from one password manager to another
• Start or close an online business

Your digital executor doesn’t need your Netflix password while you’re alive. They just need to know where the keys will be and what you want done when you’re not there to explain.

Common mistakes that make life harder for your digital executor

A few patterns show up again and again:

• Vague language. “My executor can handle my digital stuff” with no detail. That leaves them guessing what “digital stuff” even covers.
• No coordination with the main executor. Naming a digital executor informally without telling the primary executor or attorney. That can create turf wars and delays.
• Ignoring platform policies. Assuming your will overrides terms of service. Often, it doesn’t. If the platform says “no one can access messages,” your will can’t magically change that.
• Zero planning for two‑factor authentication. Accounts locked behind codes going to a dead phone or email address can be a nightmare. Your plan should address how 2FA will be handled.
• Over‑sharing while you’re alive. Handing someone your entire password list today “just in case” can be risky. Better to use a controlled, conditional access method built into a password manager or legal process.

Avoiding these doesn’t require perfection. It just requires being a bit more intentional than “I’ll let them figure it out.”

So where do you start, practically?

If you’re reading this thinking, “My accounts are a disaster,” you’re in good company. Most people are. The good news: you don’t have to fix everything at once.

A realistic first pass looks like this:

• Decide who you trust to be your digital executor (or to help your main executor)
• Talk to them. Make sure they’re actually willing.
• Ask your estate planning attorney how your state treats digital assets and whether you can name a separate digital executor
• Turn on legacy or inactive account tools for your biggest platforms (email, cloud storage, social media)
• Start a simple inventory: where your money, work, and memories live online

You can refine it over time. The important thing is that someone, somewhere, knows:

• Who is supposed to push the buttons
• What those buttons do
• And how to get to them without breaking the law or your privacy

Your digital executor doesn’t need to be a superhero. They just need a clear mandate, a decent roadmap, and your trust — written down, not just assumed.

FAQ: Quick answers on digital executors

Do I legally need a separate digital executor?
Not necessarily. In many U.S. states, your primary executor already has authority over digital assets if your will and state law say so. A separate digital executor is more of a practical choice than a mandatory one, and its legal status varies by jurisdiction.

Can my digital executor see all my private messages?
Not automatically. Platform policies and state law limit what any executor can access. You can also write instructions that certain categories of data (like private messages) should not be accessed or should only be deleted without review. But remember: once someone has broad account access, technical and legal limits may not always line up perfectly.

What if I live outside the U.S.?
Rules differ widely. Some countries have clearer frameworks for digital inheritance than others. If you have accounts with U.S.‑based companies, their terms of service still apply, but your local inheritance law also matters. Talk to a local estate planning lawyer who understands digital assets.

Can I just put my passwords in my will?
That’s usually a bad idea. Wills can become part of the public record in probate, and you don’t want your login details exposed. It’s better to keep access information in a separate, secure document or password manager, and have the will refer to that.

Is appointing a digital executor expensive?
The appointment itself is typically just part of your estate planning process. The cost comes from attorney time, not from some special “digital executor fee.” If the person you name ends up doing a lot of work, they may be entitled to compensation from the estate, similar to a traditional executor, depending on your will and local law.