Real-world examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations

Why we start with real examples of developing discrepancy

In motivational interviewing, developing discrepancy is about helping clients notice the distance between their current behavior and their stated values or goals. You’re not attacking their choices; you’re holding up a mirror so they can see both sides clearly.

Reading the theory is helpful, but what most practitioners really want are real examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations they can adapt to their own style. So we’ll start there: everyday scenarios, realistic language, and a breakdown of what’s happening under the surface.

Health behavior change: examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations

Let’s start with a classic: health and lifestyle. Think exercise, sleep, or nutrition. These are areas where people often say they want one thing but live another.

Example 1: The tired professional who “doesn’t have time” to exercise

Client: I’m exhausted all the time, but I honestly don’t have time to work out.

Coach: You’re really drained, and at the same time it feels like there’s no space in your schedule for exercise.

Client: Exactly.

Coach (developing discrepancy): Earlier you mentioned that having the energy to play with your kids after work matters a lot to you. And right now, you’re so tired that most evenings you’re on the couch. How does that fit with the kind of parent you want to be?

Client: Yeah… that doesn’t really line up. I want to be more active with them, not just watching from the sofa.

Here, the coach uses the client’s own value—being present and active with their kids—to gently highlight the gap. This is one of the best examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations because it’s simple, respectful, and grounded in what the client already said.

You can deepen it:

Coach: On one hand, you value being the kind of dad who’s out in the yard playing tag. On the other hand, your current energy level makes that really hard. Where does that leave you?

The question invites reflection, not resistance.

For context, large studies show that regular physical activity improves energy, mood, and long-term health outcomes (CDC). You don’t need to lecture about that; you just help the client notice how their current pattern clashes with the future they say they want.

Example 2: Sleep, stress, and late-night scrolling

Client: I’m so stressed and my anxiety is through the roof, but I can’t fall asleep before 2 a.m.

Coach: Sleep has been rough, and it’s really feeding your stress.

Client: Yeah, I just end up scrolling on my phone for hours.

Coach (developing discrepancy): Last session, you said feeling calmer and more focused at work was a big priority this year. And right now, you’re getting 4–5 hours of sleep and waking up wired and anxious. How does that match up with the version of yourself you’re trying to build?

Client: It doesn’t. I know the phone thing is making it worse.

Here the coach connects the client’s stated priority (calm and focus) with their current habit (doomscrolling). The client begins to argue for change on their own—that’s the goal.

Research from places like the National Institutes of Health links poor sleep with higher anxiety and lower cognitive performance (NIH). Again, you don’t need to quote studies in session; you just use their values to help them see the mismatch.

Career and money: more examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations

Career and finances are rich territory for discrepancy. People often say they care about growth, stability, or freedom, while their day-to-day behavior tells a different story.

Example 3: The “I hate my job, but I’m not updating my resume” client

Client: I can’t stand my job. My boss is toxic, and I feel stuck.

Coach: You feel really trapped and unhappy where you are.

Client: Yeah, but I also haven’t done anything about it. I’m just too drained.

Coach (developing discrepancy): A few minutes ago, you said that having a career where you feel respected and challenged is really important to you. And right now, you’re spending 40+ hours a week in a job that leaves you drained and disrespected, with no time set aside to explore other options. How does that fit with the future you described wanting in the next 2–3 years?

Client: It doesn’t. I keep saying I want something better, but I’m not acting like I do.

Notice: no shaming, no “you should.” The coach simply lays the client’s words side by side: I want a respectful, challenging career vs. I’m doing nothing to move toward it. This is a clean example of developing discrepancy in client conversations focused on career.

You might follow up with:

Coach: When you picture yourself five years from now looking back on today, what do you hope you’ll have done differently?

That question lets the client widen the time lens and feel the discrepancy more clearly.

Example 4: The spender who wants financial peace

Client: I really want to be debt-free, but I also love going out and treating my friends. Life’s short.

Coach: Enjoying life now matters to you, and at the same time, being debt-free is a big goal.

Client: Yeah, both.

Coach (developing discrepancy): On one side, you’ve said that the stress of debt keeps you up at night. On the other side, you’re spending about $400 a month eating out and picking up the tab, which makes it harder to pay down that debt. How do those two things sit together for you?

Client: When you say it like that, it sounds like I’m choosing short-term fun over long-term peace.

Coach: That’s what you’re noticing.

The coach is not labeling the client as irresponsible. They’re simply reflecting the numbers and the client’s own words. Financial stress is a major mental health factor in the U.S. and globally; organizations like the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and various university counseling centers discuss this link (CFPB). Developing discrepancy helps clients weigh their own trade-offs.

Relationships and boundaries: emotionally rich examples of developing discrepancy

Relationships are where values show up loudly: honesty, respect, loyalty, independence. That’s why some of the best examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations happen around boundaries and communication.

Example 5: The people-pleaser who wants better boundaries

Client: I’m burned out. I say yes to everyone—my family, my boss, my friends—and then I resent them.

Coach: You’re stretched thin and feeling resentful, even though you care about these people.

Client: Exactly.

Coach (developing discrepancy): You’ve said you want relationships that feel mutual and respectful, where you’re not the only one giving. And at the same time, most weeks you’re saying yes to extra favors even when you’re exhausted, and not telling people how that affects you. How does that line up with the kind of relationships you want?

Client: It doesn’t. I’m creating the very thing I complain about.

Coach: That’s a powerful insight. What’s it like to notice that?

The coach connects the client’s value (mutual, respectful relationships) with their pattern (over-giving and staying silent). Many mental health organizations, including Mayo Clinic, highlight boundary-setting as a key part of emotional well-being (Mayo Clinic). Developing discrepancy gives the client a new lens on their behavior.

Example 6: The partner who wants intimacy but avoids hard talks

Client: I want my partner and me to feel closer, but every time there’s a conflict, I shut down.

Coach: You really want more closeness, and conflict feels so uncomfortable that you pull away.

Client: Yeah, I hate fighting.

Coach (developing discrepancy): On the one hand, you’ve said emotional intimacy is one of your top values in a relationship. On the other hand, when tough conversations come up, you go quiet or leave the room. How do you see that pattern affecting the closeness you’re wanting?

Client: Honestly, it probably makes things worse. We never resolve anything.

Again, the coach doesn’t say, “You’re sabotaging your relationship.” They simply set value and behavior side by side.

Personal growth and identity: deeper examples of developing discrepancy

Sometimes the gap isn’t about a single habit; it’s about identity. Who the client says they are vs. how they actually live.

Example 7: The “I’m a creative person” client who never creates

Client: I’ve always seen myself as a creative person, but I haven’t written anything in months.

Coach: Your creativity is a big part of how you see yourself, and it’s been on pause.

Client: Yeah, life just keeps getting in the way.

Coach (developing discrepancy): You describe yourself as a writer at heart, and at the same time, your current routine doesn’t include any time for writing. When you look at those side by side—your identity as a writer and your daily life—what do you notice?

Client: That I’m not living like the person I say I am.

This is one of the best examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations around identity. You’re not saying, “You’re not really a writer.” You’re inviting them to explore what being a writer means in practice.

Example 8: Values vs. social media behavior

Client: I really value authenticity, but I spend a lot of time curating my social media so people think I have it all together.

Coach: Being authentic matters to you, and at the same time, you’re putting a lot of energy into presenting a polished version of your life.

Client: Yeah, it feels fake sometimes.

Coach (developing discrepancy): On one hand, you’ve said you admire people who are honest about their struggles and imperfections. On the other hand, you feel pressure to only show the highlight reel online. How does that tension sit with you?

Client: It bothers me. I feel like I’m part of the problem.

Modern clients often bring social media into sessions. This is a very 2024–2025 flavor of discrepancy: values like authenticity and mental health vs. online performance and comparison. Organizations like the American Psychological Association discuss how social media can affect self-esteem and anxiety, especially for younger adults and teens (APA).

How to create your own examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations

Once you see these patterns, you can start generating your own examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations, tailored to each person.

Here’s a simple, repeatable structure you can hear in all the dialogues above:

1. Reflect their value or goal in their own words.
“Being an engaged parent really matters to you.”
“You’ve said financial peace is a top priority this year.”
“You see yourself as a creative person.”

2. Reflect their current behavior or situation, neutrally.
“Right now you’re so exhausted after work that you mostly sit on the couch.”
“You’re spending about $400 a month going out with friends.”
“Your schedule doesn’t include any time for writing.”

3. Gently put them side by side and invite reflection.
“How does that fit with the kind of parent you want to be?”
“How do those two things sit together for you?”
“When you look at those side by side, what do you notice?”

This three-part rhythm lets you keep developing discrepancy without arguing. You’re not forcing insight; you’re organizing the client’s own words so the discrepancy becomes obvious to them.

Common mistakes when using these examples of developing discrepancy

Even with the best examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations, it’s easy to slip into old habits. A few traps to watch for:

Sounding judgmental.
If your tone or wording implies, “You’re being hypocritical,” the client will shut down. Keep your voice curious, not accusing. Phrases like “On one hand… on the other hand…” are softer than “But you said…”

Pushing your agenda.
If you’re more invested in the client changing than they are, developing discrepancy can start to feel like pressure. Remember: you’re exploring their values and goals, not selling your idea of what their life should look like.

Overloading with data.
Referencing research from sources like CDC, NIH, or Mayo Clinic can be helpful, but only in small doses and usually after you’ve honored the client’s experience. Data should support their motivation, not replace it.

Skipping empathy.
Motivational interviewing is built on empathy and collaboration. If you jump straight to pointing out inconsistencies without first reflecting feelings, it can land as criticism.

FAQ: examples of developing discrepancy and practical use

Q: Can you give a short example of developing discrepancy I can use with a client who wants to drink less?
A: You might say, “You’ve told me that being clear-headed for your kids’ weekend activities is really important to you. And at the same time, you’ve noticed that when you drink on Friday nights, Saturdays are often a blur and you feel guilty. How does that fit with the kind of parent you want to be?” This keeps the focus on their values, not your judgment.

Q: Are these examples of developing discrepancy only for therapy, or can coaches use them too?
A: Coaches, mentors, and even managers can use these approaches, as long as they respect boundaries and stay within their scope of practice. Motivational interviewing principles, including developing discrepancy, have been adapted for health coaching, career coaching, and organizational leadership.

Q: What are some quick examples of developing discrepancy I can adapt on the fly?
A: Listen for a value (“family, health, freedom, creativity”) and a conflicting behavior. Then connect them: “You value X, and right now Y is happening. How does that line up for you?” With practice, you’ll find your own language that keeps the spirit of these best examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations.

Q: How do I know if I’ve gone too far with developing discrepancy?
A: Watch the client’s body language and words. If they become defensive, shut down, or say they feel judged, slow down and return to simple empathy and reflection. Developing discrepancy should increase their sense of choice and clarity, not shame.

The more you practice listening for values and gently contrasting them with current behavior, the easier it becomes to create your own real examples of developing discrepancy in client conversations. Over time, this skill can transform your sessions from advice-giving to genuine collaboration—where clients hear their own wisdom more clearly and start moving toward the lives they actually want.