“It’s Not a Big Deal” – Except It Is for Your Child

Why kids’ feelings need a “landing place” with you

Think about the last time you had a rough day. Maybe your boss snapped at you, traffic was awful, the dog threw up on the rug. You came home and told your partner or a friend, and they said, “You’re overreacting. It’s not that bad.”

Did you feel calmer? Probably not. You likely felt annoyed, dismissed, maybe even a little lonely.

Kids feel that too – they just have fewer words and less control over their reactions. Their brains are still under construction. When we validate their feelings, we’re basically saying: “I see what’s happening inside you, and it makes sense.” That doesn’t mean we approve of every behavior. It means we’re separating the feeling (always allowed) from the behavior (sometimes needs limits).

Children who regularly experience this kind of response from their caregivers tend to:

• Open up more instead of shutting down or lying
• Recover faster from disappointments
• Show more empathy to others
• Handle conflict with fewer explosions over time

It’s not magic. It’s repetition.

“But if I validate, aren’t I just feeding the drama?”

This is the fear I hear from parents all the time. It sounds like this:

“If I say, ‘I know you’re really upset,’ won’t that just make them more upset?”

Or:

“If I acknowledge their frustration about bedtime, aren’t I encouraging them to fight it more?”

Here’s the interesting thing: most kids don’t escalate because we validate. They escalate because they don’t feel heard.

Take Mia, 5 years old. She’s furious because it’s time to leave the playground. Her dad says, “Stop crying. We have to go. It’s not that serious.” She screams louder, throws herself on the ground, kicks.

Now imagine the same moment, different script. Her dad kneels down and says, “You’re really mad that we have to leave. You were having so much fun, and now it’s over. That’s really hard.” He pauses. “We still have to go, but I get why you’re upset.”

Does she magically smile and skip to the car? No. But her nervous system gets a message: “I’m not alone in this. Someone gets it.” That alone often lowers the intensity.

Validation doesn’t feed drama. It takes the fuel out of the fire while still holding the boundary.

What validation actually sounds like in real life

Validation is one of those words that sounds very therapy‑room, but it’s actually pretty simple. It’s made up of a few key moves you can practice, even when you’re tired and overstimulated.

Step 1: Notice and name what you see

You start by paying attention to your child’s body language and behavior.

Instead of jumping straight to fixing, lecturing, or distracting, you pause and reflect back what you think they’re feeling.

• “You look really disappointed that your friend had to go home.”
• “I can see how frustrated you are that the Lego keeps breaking.”
• “You seem worried about tomorrow’s test.”

You might be wrong at first. That’s okay. Kids will often correct you:

“I’m not disappointed, I’m MAD!”

Great. Now you have better information. You’re showing them: “Your inside world matters enough that I’m trying to understand it.”

Step 2: Make it make sense

This is where you communicate, in simple language, that their emotional reaction is understandable.

You’re basically saying: “Given what happened, your feelings are a normal response.”

• “Of course you’re mad. You worked hard on that drawing and your brother scribbled on it.”
• “It makes sense you feel nervous. New schools can feel really big and unknown.”
• “Anyone would feel sad if their best friend moved away.”

You’re not agreeing with every thought they have. You’re just normalizing the feeling.

Step 3: Hold the line on behavior

Here’s the part a lot of parents worry they’ll lose: limits.

Validation does not mean:

• Letting your child hit, throw, or insult people without consequences
• Changing every rule to avoid upset
• Buying the toy, extending screen time, or canceling bedtime just because they’re crying

You can validate the feeling and keep the boundary.

• “You’re really angry your brother took your toy. I get it. I won’t let you hit him. Let’s figure out another way to fix this.”
• “You hate that screen time is over. I hear you. The rule is still the same: tablet goes off at 7:30.”
• “You’re scared to sleep alone. That’s a tough feeling. I’ll sit with you for five minutes, and then I’m going back to my room.”

Feelings: welcome.
Behavior: guided.

Kids need both.

When their reaction feels way bigger than the situation

Sometimes, if we’re honest, kids’ emotions seem wildly out of proportion.

Your teen slams their door because you asked them to take out the trash.
Your 3‑year‑old screams like they’ve been injured because you peeled their banana “wrong.”

It’s tempting to say, “This is ridiculous” or “You’re being dramatic.” But here’s what’s usually going on under the surface: the feeling is about more than this moment.

Think about Liam, 10 years old. He melts down over losing a board game. His dad sees a sore loser. But underneath, Liam has had a week of small hits: a bad grade, being left out at recess, a canceled playdate. The game was just the final straw.

When you validate, you’re not just talking to the part of them that cares about the game. You’re talking to the part that’s tired of feeling like they’re losing all week.

You might say:

• “Losing that game really stung, huh? It feels like nothing is going your way lately.”

Suddenly, you’re not arguing about a board game. You’re connecting about his actual experience.

“But my parents never did this and I turned out fine”

You’ll hear this a lot, maybe even in your own head.

Many of us grew up with variations of:

• “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• “Toughen up.”
• “Go to your room and come back when you’re calm.”

And yes, we survived. But if you look a little closer, you might notice some patterns in yourself:

• Struggling to say no or express needs
• Going straight to anger because softer emotions feel unsafe
• Numbing out or shutting down instead of feeling things fully

Validating your child’s feelings isn’t an indictment of your parents or grandparents. It’s just an upgrade in what we now know about child development, stress, and emotional health.

Research from organizations like the National Institute of Mental Health shows that kids who learn to identify and manage emotions early on are less likely to develop certain mental health challenges later. Emotional skills are protective. Validation is one of the ways we build those skills.

How validation builds a child’s inner voice

Here’s the quiet magic of doing this over and over: your child starts to internalize your words.

The 4‑year‑old who hears, “You’re really disappointed. It’s okay to feel that,” becomes the 14‑year‑old who can think, “I’m really disappointed. This feeling won’t last forever.”

You’re basically lending them your calm, your language, and your perspective until they can generate their own.

Over time, kids who are regularly validated tend to:

• Talk to themselves more kindly
• Ask for help instead of hiding problems
• Take responsibility without crumbling under shame

They also learn that all feelings are temporary. Sadness rises and falls. Anger peaks and fades. Fear comes in waves. When you sit with them through the wave instead of shutting it down, they learn that feelings are survivable.

What if I don’t agree with why they’re upset?

This is a big one.

Maybe your child is furious because their teacher asked them to redo an assignment, and you secretly agree with the teacher. Or they’re devastated that they didn’t get a toy after you already told them no three times.

You can still validate without endorsing every detail of their story.

Try something like:

• “You feel like your teacher was unfair, and that really hurt.” (You’re not saying the teacher was unfair, you’re naming how it felt.)
• “You were really hoping I’d change my mind about the toy. It’s super disappointing when that doesn’t happen.”

Then, once they’re calmer, you can gently bring in perspective or problem‑solving.

Validation is step one, not the whole conversation. Think of it as opening the door. Once your child feels heard, they’re much more likely to listen back.

When you’re triggered and validation feels impossible

Some kids’ emotions hit us right in our own history.

Your child’s tears might remind you of how you were mocked for being “too sensitive.” Their anger might feel threatening because in your childhood, anger meant things got scary fast.

So when your kid starts to spiral, your body says, “Nope. Shut this down. Now.”

In those moments, validation will not come naturally. You might:

• Snap: “Stop it. You’re fine.”
• Mock: “Really? You’re crying over that?”
• Withdraw: “Go to your room. I can’t deal with you right now.”

This is where self‑awareness becomes part of parenting.

You can:

• Take a brief pause: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to take a few deep breaths and then I’ll come back and listen.”
• Use a simple script you can lean on when your brain is fried: “You’re having big feelings. I’m here. I want to understand.”
• Repair afterward if you snapped: “I was too harsh earlier. Your feelings do matter to me. I’m sorry.”

Repair itself is a powerful form of validation. You’re modeling that adults have emotions too, and that relationships can be mended.

If you notice that your child’s emotions regularly send you into panic, rage, or numbness, it can help to talk with a therapist or counselor. The American Psychological Association has resources on finding support for parents who want to break old patterns.

Using everyday moments as practice

You don’t need a huge meltdown to practice validation. In fact, starting with small moments makes it easier.

Think about:

• The annoyed sigh when homework is assigned
• The quiet sadness when they don’t get picked first
• The nervous fidgeting before a dentist appointment

Instead of brushing past, you can gently name what you see.

Take Noah, 8 years old, sitting in the back seat on the way to a new soccer team practice. He’s quieter than usual, staring out the window.

His mom could stay silent, hoping he’ll just deal. Or she could say, “You seem kind of quiet. New teams can feel a little scary, huh?”

He shrugs. “What if they’re better than me?”

Now they’re in a real conversation. She can respond, “Yeah, that’s a real worry. A lot of kids feel that way on the first day. You don’t have to be the best today. You just have to show up and try.”

That’s validation plus encouragement, and it came from noticing a small cue.

Balancing validation with guidance and values

Sometimes parents worry that if they focus too much on feelings, they’ll neglect teaching right and wrong, responsibility, or resilience.

You don’t have to choose.

You can:

• Validate the feeling
• Hold the boundary
• Teach the value

All in the same interaction.

For example, your teen snaps at you after you remind them about a chore.

You might say:

“You’re irritated that I reminded you again. I get that it’s annoying. It’s still not okay to talk to me like that. Try again.”

You’re acknowledging the irritation (normal), naming the limit (respectful tone), and inviting a do‑over (skill‑building).

Or your 4‑year‑old grabs a toy from another child.

You could respond:

“You really wanted that toy. It’s hard to wait. We still have to take turns. Let’s give it back and ask for a turn.”

Feeling: understandable.
Behavior: redirected.
Value: sharing and respect.

When big feelings might signal something more

Most of the time, validation plus consistent routines and boundaries are enough to help kids ride out their emotional waves.

But sometimes, intense or frequent emotional storms can be a sign that your child needs extra support.

It may be worth talking to a pediatrician, school counselor, or mental health professional if you notice patterns like:

• Big emotional reactions that seem to come out of nowhere and last a long time
• Ongoing trouble sleeping, eating, or concentrating
• Withdrawal from friends or activities they used to enjoy
• Frequent complaints of stomachaches or headaches with no clear medical cause

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and NIMH both offer guidance on when to seek help and how to find qualified professionals.

Validation is still helpful in these situations, but it may need to be combined with therapy, school support, or other interventions.

Quick scripts for those “I have no idea what to say” moments

On the days when you’re running on fumes, having a few phrases in your back pocket can make a big difference.

You can adapt these to your own voice:

• “You’re having a really strong feeling about this.”
• “I can see how much this matters to you.”
• “It makes sense you’d feel that way after what happened.”
• “I’m here with you. We’ll figure this out.”
• “Your feelings are okay. Your choices are what we work on.”

Are these perfect? No. But they’re a lot better than “Stop it” or “You’re fine,” and they keep the door of connection open.

FAQ – Parents’ most common questions about validating feelings

Does validating my child’s feelings mean I’m being too soft?

No. Validation is about acknowledging reality, not giving in. You can say, “You’re really upset that screen time is over,” and still turn off the tablet. Over time, this combination of empathy and consistency actually makes kids more resilient, not less.

What if my child is using their feelings to manipulate me?

Kids absolutely learn which buttons to push. But even then, there’s a real feeling underneath the behavior – maybe fear of missing out, desire for control, or worry about not being good enough. You can validate the feeling while not rewarding the manipulation. For example: “You really want more candy and you’re upset I said no. I’m not changing my mind, and I’m here if you want a hug or to be mad for a bit.”

How do I validate without making the feeling bigger?

Keep your tone calm and matter‑of‑fact. You’re not dramatizing; you’re simply naming. Short, simple statements work well: “That was embarrassing,” “That hurt your feelings,” “You’re really mad.” Then pause. Often, kids settle more quickly when they don’t have to fight to be understood.

What if I honestly think they’re overreacting?

You can still validate the experience without agreeing that the situation is as big as they feel it is. Try: “It feels huge to you right now,” or “This is really intense for you.” Later, when they’re calm, you can gently introduce perspective. In the heat of the moment, focus on connection.

Can I start this with older kids or teens, or is it too late?

It’s absolutely not too late. Teens may roll their eyes at first, especially if this is new. Stay consistent, keep it genuine, and don’t overdo it. You might say, “I know this might sound cheesy, but I really do get why you’re upset about this.” Over time, even if they don’t show it, most teens soften when they feel their inner world is respected.

Validating your child’s feelings isn’t about getting every response right. It’s about building a pattern: “In this family, emotions are allowed, and we work through them together.”

You won’t nail it every day. No one does. But every time you pause, notice, and name what your child is going through – and then guide their behavior with steadiness – you’re helping them build an inner voice that says, “My feelings make sense. I can handle them. I’m not alone.”

And that, honestly, is one of the most powerful gifts a parent can give.