So Someone Has to Plan a Funeral – Where Do You Even Start?

Why does funeral planning feel so confusing?

If you’ve ever tried to plan a funeral while your brain feels like it’s full of cotton, you’re not alone. The system isn’t exactly user‑friendly.

You’re dealing with shock, family emotions, sometimes old conflicts bubbling up, and then—on top of that—there’s a whole industry with its own language: “direct burial,” “outer burial container,” “disposition,” “pre‑need contracts.” It’s a lot.

Take Maria, for example. Her father died unexpectedly, and within 24 hours she was sitting in a funeral home office being shown a glossy catalog of caskets. She later admitted she said yes to the first mid‑range option because she was embarrassed to ask about prices. Looking back, she realized she had more options than anyone explained to her in that moment.

That’s really the heart of it: you usually have more choices than you think. Once you understand the basic steps, you can slow things down, ask better questions, and keep the decisions aligned with your values, your budget, and the wishes of the person who died.

What actually has to happen when someone dies?

Let’s strip it down to the core tasks. No marketing, no drama—just what legally and practically needs to be done in most places in the U.S.

The first few hours: who do you call?

Who you call first depends a bit on where the person died.

If someone dies at home and it’s unexpected, people usually call 911. Emergency responders and, in many areas, the medical examiner or coroner will get involved to officially pronounce death and decide whether an investigation is needed.

If the person was already under medical care—say in a hospital, hospice facility, or nursing home—staff will handle the pronouncement and guide you on next steps. They may ask you which funeral home you want to use. If you don’t know yet, it’s okay to say you need a little time.

The key things that need to happen early on:

• A medical professional must pronounce the death.
• A death certificate has to be prepared and filed.
• The body needs to be transported and cared for.

You can’t skip those. But you can take a breath before you commit to anything beyond them.

For more detail on the legal side, many families find it helpful to skim resources from their state or local health department, or general guides from sites like the National Institutes of Health or MedlinePlus.

The death certificate: boring but important

The death certificate feels like paperwork you’d rather ignore, but it affects almost everything that comes after: insurance claims, closing accounts, settling estates, even some pension benefits.

Usually, a doctor, medical examiner, or coroner completes the medical portion of the certificate, and the funeral home files it with the state. You can request multiple certified copies—people are often surprised by how many are needed. Banks, life insurance companies, and some government agencies often want an official copy, not just a scan.

You don’t have to know all the details yourself, but it helps to:

• Check the spelling of names and accuracy of dates.
• Ask how to order additional copies and how long it usually takes.

What choices do you really have for the body and the service?

This is where people often feel rushed. You’re shown a menu of options and it all blurs together. Let’s slow it down.

Burial, cremation, or something else?

In most parts of the U.S., the main choices are burial and cremation. Within those, there are variations.

Burial can mean a traditional cemetery plot with a casket, or a so‑called “green” or natural burial with fewer chemicals and simpler materials. Cremation can mean ashes kept at home, scattered in a meaningful place (where legal), placed in a columbarium niche, or buried in a plot.

Then there are newer options in some states, like alkaline hydrolysis (sometimes called water cremation) or human composting. Laws differ by state, so it’s worth checking your state’s rules through official channels, like your state government website.

What matters more than the label is the question underneath: how would the person who died want to be remembered? And what feels right for those who are grieving?

The service: big ceremony, small gathering, or no formal event?

You might picture a classic funeral in a church with a casket at the front, but there’s a wide spectrum.

Some families choose a traditional funeral with a viewing or visitation, followed by a burial. Others go for a memorial service weeks later, with or without the body or ashes present. Some arrange a simple graveside service. And some families skip a formal service entirely and plan a private gathering at home or in a favorite park.

Take James and his siblings. Their mother had always said, “Don’t make a fuss over me; just have a party and tell stories.” They chose a direct cremation—no viewing, no formal funeral—and then rented a small community hall a month later. They brought her favorite foods, played her beloved Motown playlist, and everyone shared memories. It cost less, yes, but more importantly, it felt like her.

The main questions to ask yourselves:

• Do we want a gathering with the body present, or are we comfortable with a service later?
• Who needs to be there in person, and who might join by video?
• What kind of atmosphere matches the person’s personality—solemn, spiritual, light‑hearted, or a mix?

There isn’t a “right” answer. There’s just what fits your family and your budget.

How do funeral homes and directors actually help?

Funeral homes can feel intimidating, partly because you’re walking in at one of the worst moments of your life. Underneath the formality, their job is fairly straightforward: they handle the logistics you probably don’t want to manage yourself.

Most funeral directors:

• Arrange transport and care of the body.
• Help with death certificates and permits.
• Coordinate with cemeteries, crematories, and clergy or celebrants.
• Organize the timing and details of services.

Some are incredibly compassionate and transparent. Others… less so. You’re allowed to shop around, even if it feels awkward. You can ask for a price list up front—actually, in the U.S., the Federal Trade Commission requires funeral homes to give you a General Price List if you ask in person. You can read more about your rights on the FTC’s Funeral Rule page.

A few practical questions you might quietly keep in your back pocket:

• Can you walk me through the simplest, least expensive option you offer?
• Which services are required by law, and which are optional?
• Can I see an itemized price list before I decide?

You don’t have to apologize for asking. You’re not being rude; you’re being responsible.

Money talk: how do people actually pay for all this?

This is the part no one likes to discuss, but it has a way of sneaking up on families. Funerals can cost several thousand dollars, sometimes more, and not everyone has that sitting in a savings account.

People typically piece together costs from different sources:

Some use life insurance payouts, if the person had a policy. Others use savings, help from relatives, or special burial benefits from the Veterans Administration if the person served in the military. In some cases, there may be pre‑paid arrangements the person set up years earlier—though it’s wise to read those contracts carefully.

It’s okay to:

• Set a firm budget before you walk into a funeral home.
• Say, “We need to keep costs down; please show us the lower‑priced options.”
• Decline extras you don’t want, like upgraded casket interiors or elaborate printed materials.

If money is tight, you can ask about:

• Direct cremation or direct burial without a formal service at the funeral home.
• Holding a memorial later at a home, park, or community space.
• Any local charities, religious organizations, or county programs that might help with basic costs.

For general financial and benefits information related to death, U.S. families often check USA.gov’s guide on what to do when someone dies and Social Security’s information on survivor benefits.

How do you keep the person’s story at the center?

With all the paperwork and price lists, it’s surprisingly easy to lose sight of the person at the heart of all this. One simple way to anchor yourselves is to keep asking, “Does this feel like them?”

Think about:

• Music they loved, even if it’s not “traditional” funeral music.
• Readings, poems, or prayers that mattered to them—or maybe a favorite quote.
• Clothing they’d be happy to be seen in one last time, whether that’s a suit or their beloved old flannel shirt.

Take Alisha’s grandfather. He was a quiet gardener who hated fuss. The family chose a simple graveside service. Instead of a big floral spray, each grandchild brought a small potted plant and placed it around the grave. It wasn’t fancy. But it told his story.

You don’t need a big budget to make a service meaningful. You need a few personal touches and the courage to ignore expectations that don’t fit your family.

What about family dynamics and hard conversations?

Funerals have a way of dragging every unresolved family issue into the room. Old arguments, different religious beliefs, money tensions—it all shows up.

You can’t fix decades of history in a week, but you can make a plan for the short term.

A few gentle strategies that often help:

• Decide who is actually responsible for making final decisions. Sometimes that’s spelled out in legal documents; sometimes it’s more informal.
• Agree on a few non‑negotiables early—maybe honoring a religious ritual, or staying within a clear budget.
• Let some battles go. Do you really want to spend your energy arguing about flower colors when you’re already exhausted?

If things feel truly unmanageable, it’s okay to involve a neutral person—a clergy member, a trusted friend, or even a counselor. Grief support resources from places like Mayo Clinic or local hospice organizations can point you toward support groups and counseling options.

Can you plan ahead, even if it feels uncomfortable?

Talking about death when everyone is healthy feels awkward, maybe even a bit morbid. But planning ahead doesn’t summon disaster; it just makes future chaos less likely.

Planning ahead can be as simple as:

• Writing down whether you prefer burial or cremation.
• Listing any religious or cultural rituals that matter to you.
• Telling someone where your important documents and passwords live.

Some people go further and meet with a funeral home to make pre‑arrangements or even pre‑pay. That can be helpful, but it’s wise to:

• Read contracts very carefully.
• Ask what happens if you move or the funeral home closes.
• Make sure your family knows these arrangements exist and where the paperwork is.

Think of it like leaving a note to your future loved ones that says, “Here’s how to make this a little easier on yourselves.” It’s an act of kindness, even if the conversation feels uncomfortable in the moment.

Quick recap: what do you really need to remember?

If your brain is tired and you’re skimming, here’s the heart of it in plain language.

When someone dies, a few things have to happen: the death must be pronounced, a death certificate completed, and arrangements made for the body. After that, you have choices—more than you might think.

You can choose burial, cremation, or other legal options in your state. You can choose a big formal funeral, a small gathering, or a simple memorial later. You can spend a lot, or you can keep it modest and focus on personal touches instead of price tags.

You’re allowed to ask funeral homes for clear prices, to say no to extras, and to take time to decide. You’re allowed to design a goodbye that actually fits the person you loved, even if it doesn’t look like anyone else’s idea of a “proper” funeral.

And if all you manage in the early days is getting the basics done and showing up for each other? That’s more than enough.

FAQ about the basics of funeral planning

Do I have to use a funeral home, or can I handle things myself?

In many states, families are legally allowed to handle some or all arrangements themselves, including caring for the body and organizing a home funeral. However, laws vary a lot by state, especially around transportation, refrigeration, and permits. If you’re curious about this route, check your state’s regulations through official state websites and consider consulting a local home funeral guide or death doula.

How fast do decisions need to be made after someone dies?

Some things move quickly, like arranging transport of the body and starting the death certificate process. But you usually don’t have to finalize every detail in the first 24 hours. You can ask the funeral home what truly needs to be decided right now and what can wait a day or two. Taking even a short pause can make choices feel less pressured.

Is embalming required by law?

In the U.S., embalming is generally not required by federal law. Some states or individual funeral homes have policies about embalming if there will be a public viewing or if the body will be transported over long distances. You can ask directly whether it’s legally required in your situation or simply recommended, and what alternatives exist, such as refrigeration.

Can we have a funeral if we choose cremation?

Yes. Cremation doesn’t cancel the option of a funeral or memorial; it just changes the timing and format. Some families hold a traditional service with the body present before cremation. Others wait and plan a memorial weeks or months later with the ashes present—or with no remains present at all. You can be as formal or informal as you like.

What if our family members disagree about the arrangements?

Disagreements are common, especially when people are grieving. When possible, look for any written wishes from the person who died—that can help guide decisions. If there’s no clear guidance, try to focus on what would have mattered most to them rather than on personal preferences. If conflict gets intense, involving a neutral third party, like a clergy member, mediator, or counselor, can make conversations calmer and more productive.

For more practical information on what to do after a death, you may find these resources helpful:

• USA.gov – What to Do After Someone Dies
• Federal Trade Commission – Shopping for Funeral Services
• Mayo Clinic – Grief and Loss Support